Everything Sucks






“Hello this is Victoria from linkedIn i know you already have a job currently but I will like to propose a remunerative business offer which is very profitable. I need you to confirm my message to that I can send the full summary for your review.”


“I am Victoria Cunningham we don’t know much about each other i got your information off LinkedIn professional search. I am 48 years old and work with Lloyds Bank where I have been recently promoted as head manager at a local branch here in London. I have a current case regarding one late Mr. James Ishida who died working under Perenco Oil and Gas UK. This incident happened back in 2010 at an offshore site where he was working on an ongoing project in Saudi Arabia. He and five other workers died when their vessel sanked into the ocean before rescue team came to their aid. He was head project manager for over 15 years before the incident he did open a fixed deposit account here at my branch where Perenco Oil and Gas UK had recently paid his pension funds for service (DEATH IN SERVICE BENEFITS). After several unsuccessful attempts of trying to locate any members of his family for this claim I decided to track his last name over LinkedIn where i got your information. I received a last notice last week to provide the next of kin to my late client as his personal accountant while he was alive or the account benefit will be confiscated as ESCHEAT and the total funds will be transferred to the government in 18 days time. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating his relatives for over 2 years now I seek your permission to present you as the next of kin of my late client since you both share the same last name and the account benefit will be paid to you.

This we can split equally as partners because the total paid amount is £9,650,000 including interests. I can assure you that this will be done in a totally legal process to ensure both our safety in the future after getting the funds the only thing is that you must keep it confidential to avoid causing too much attention to yourself after receiving the funds. The source of your wealth must stay unknown and only between us for our safety. Just in case you may wonder why I have contacted you via an outlook webmail is because discussions like this cannot be done on my official email box as it is been monitored and our conversations can be traced so for now this is the safest for both our safety. I hope to get your respond if you are concerned with working with me but if not kindly delete this message for my safety sake but I hope to get your positive thoughts on this.”

長いので要約すると、このVictoriaさんはロンドンで銀行のマネージャーをしてて、顧客だったJames Ishidaという人が仕事中に事故死し、この人の親族を探しているがなかなか見つからない。Jamesさんの口座には遺族年金含めて965万ポンド(約14億円)あり、このままだとイギリス政府に没収されてしまうので、同じ苗字の私に親族のフリしてほしい、そして14億円は山分けしよう、と話しをもちかけてきたわけです。


“Is this a crime? What if someone found out our lie? Does nobody check if I’m a next of kin?”

“Thank you for your respond i am glad that we can be able to work together. No one will ever check and even if someone have to it is my office but since we are working together i will overlook it. I only want you to keep this confidential to only us so that no one will know about this. As long as you have matching last names everything will be alright. Right now what we need to do is that i will send you the application to forward to my bank for the claim once my bank get your message they will need to confirm from me as head manager and also personal account to my late client. I will act along and confirm your identity that you are the true next of kin to my late client. My bank will believe me because they know i have a better judgement than anyone as i have worked with my late client before his death. If my bank should require any further documentation backing up your claim there is a way to do it without raising any alarm to my bank or the U.K government. I want you to follow my advice and instructions towards making this deal a success. I still want you to promise me and that i will get my share of the funds when the deal is done.

Once my late client account is activated my bank shall request for your receiving account details to wire the funds. I am a very trustworthy person and i am putting both of our safety as top priority because we cannot make any mistake or been suspected. If you have any questions please feel free to ask so that i can put you through. I want total understanding and trust between us my dear because this is an opportunity that will change our life for a lifetime.”


“If I received the money, I need to claim to Japanese tax office, right? How can I explain about such a big money? I am 34 years old now and don’t want to be chased by the police for the rest of my life…and I don’t want my parents to be sad if I get arrested…”

“Thank you for your questions i am not planning for the funds to be transferred directly to your Japanese account if we do that the Japanese government can notice because it is huge amount. It is best to receive the funds domestically it will be transferred within the same country making it safe and easy for us to split the funds. If you already have an offshore account we can still use that but if you dont i can give you the procedures to follow since this is my field i can point you at the right direction. I hope that i can get your quick respond so that we can seek the best possible solution.”


そこで、私は父親にJames Ishidaという人を知ってるか確認しようとしました。もし知ってたら、本当に近親者としてお金を受け取れるわけです。


ということでVictoriaにはtoo riskyだからやめるわ、とメールしました。


あとでこの話をインド人の友達にしたら、”Nigerian Scam”といういわゆるスパムメールだそうです。

ロンドンのゲストにも見せたら、”That’s classic.”だって。


ほんと、親戚にJames Ishidaっていう人がいたかどうか父親に確認しようとした私の労力を返してほしい。


 - ひとりごと